Help on being a dad from an unlikely source
Dads, I’ve found some help on being a dad from an unlikely source. A few years ago I picked up a copy of Franz Kafka’s book Letter to My Father, a long letter Kafka (one of the great literary talents of the early 20th century) wrote to his father but never sent. I just finished re-reading this book. It is moving, painful, and sad. Kafka did not have a good relationship with his father. In fact, he was afraid of his father. Consequently, much of what I have learned from this book is how not to parent.
Here are three things I’ve been reminded of about raising Samuel.
1. Guard your tongue while speaking to Samuel
Here’s what Kafka says to his father: ‘What was always incomprehensible to me was your utter lack of sensitivity to the kind of suffering and shame you could inflict on me with your words and judgements; it was as if you had no notion of your power.’
2. Speak clearly, honestly, and truthfully to Samuel. Don’t use irony or sarcasm.
I’ve heard other fathers being sarcastic toward (or about) their children and it’s not pretty. And I’ve already caught myself doing this. Here’s one scenario: Samuel is fussing, clingy, crying for no particular reason. I get frustrated. I say, half in jest, and half in sarcastic frustration: ‘Oh, Samuel, your life is so hard! I feel so bad for you!’ Don’t do that. Talk straight to your son.
Here’s what Kafka says about his father’s use of irony: ‘You had a special confidence in bringing up children by means of irony, this was most in keeping with your superiority over me. An admonition from you usually took this form: “Can’t you do it in such and such a way? It’s already too much for you, isn’t it? For that, you have no time, of course?”’
3. Give your best, not your worst, at home
It is sad but true that we can be warm men, friendly men, longsuffering men, patient men, understanding men…with those we hardly know. But when we come home to our wives and children, we become short-fused men, snappy men, cranky men, ill-tempered, sullen, withdrawn men. I was talking about this with another guy just yesterday. Those we love we can treat the worst. Don’t do that!
Here’s what Kafka said to his father: ‘…besides, the more you distance yourself from business and family, the friendlier, more accommodating, polite, considerate, sympathetic (I mean outwardly, too) you become…’
Posted by Stephen Witmer on Mar 8, 10:03 AM